How to: The Art of The Cleveland Steamer

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Oh yes, The Cleveland Steamer, one of the sexiest, dirtiest moves in the bedroom. There's nothing like taking a steeming pile on the chest. If you're like me, dear reader, you do NOT
have some odd "fetish"... ...

The desire for Cleveland Steemers runs deep. In fact, a recent study from Quinnipiac College shows that nearly 13% of men polled would try it, 9% have wanted to try and a hearty 5.5% have done it at least once.

This may not sound like a lot, but consider this: of women polled, a full 34% have entertained the idea with 12% having tried it.

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Now, you don't have to be a professor, like myself, to understand that there's plenty of dirty little whores out there that would love to plop a nice, hot load of shit on your chest.

So finding a willing participant is not that hard. However, getting your current lucky lady (and be sure to constantly remind her just how lucky she is to be with you) to assist your cravings may be a bit tricky.

I suggest you first start off with some chocolate syrup. Have her squeeze out a bottle of Bosco on your chest. This will get her used to the color and texture. But do not let any get in your or her mouth.
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You want to avoid eating it at all costs. This will only hurt your chances of getting the "real thing" as her mind will connect more with the flavor of the chocoloate than with the passionate act of the Steemer, followed by the dirty hand job.

After a few sessions of chocolate, try moving into something a little less appealing to the palate. I suggest using mashed sweet potatoe with a shit load of salt and pepper. So much of it that if you taste it, you'll gag. Doing this will train her mind to the act of the steemer, rather than to the actual substance used. She'll no longer even think of eating it.

From there, try using brownie mix with a good amount of fart spray added (available at any local gag shop). This will allow her brain, which is now trained on the visual act (having been turned off to the possibility of eating it), to become familiar with the smell as well. over time, she'll no longer even notice the stink.

A few more rounds of this, my dear reader, and you'll be in full Cleveland Steamer bliss.

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Love and honor -- Dirty Lou
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A Free BJ From A Stranger In 1 Minute or Less

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Listen up pussies, here's some pure, unadultereated proof that being a prick, even a mild asshole, can directly lead to you getting your cock slobbered on by some unsuspecting whore at a Brittish pub...

It wasn't an atypical Saturday morning. I woke up early as usual, 11:30, to begin my Saturday morning rituals. After waking, i usually rub one out to a sexy pic I have of my neighbor dressed up as Bilbo Baggins, then take a shit, brush my teeth and go back to the toilet to wipe my ass clean. I Shower, abuse my cock again, then prepare for the long day ahead by fixing a tasty little concoction I call Saturday morning breakfast... a stiff rum and coke with a boatload of bonghits... pinkies out, bitches!

Once my eyes were capable of sustaining more than 20 seconds of sunlight, it was time to venture out of the famed "Dirty Lout Den of Smut and Body Fluids" in search of some poon. By poon, i mean pussy. By pussy, I mean vagina... and by vagina I mean the Fish and Chips from the Blue Anchor. It's just so tasty! But I digress.

For those of you who are "shy" around women (closet homosexuals), please take note of the following.

There's no time like anytime to get your cock sucked by a stranger.

Putting on my best Clint Eastwood impression, I burst through the doors of the Wanker around high noon... 5 o'clock shadow on my face, nasty snarl in my lip and hands in my pockets as if i were carrying a pair six shooters... six shooters that juggle my balls.

I slowly mosied on up to the bar, turning my head from left to right in an almost "slow motion" manner, scanning the room for any signs of trouble. Unfortunately, there are no mirrors in the Wanker outside of the shittin room, so I found no trouble.

I told the barkeep to line me up with some Boilermakers (actually, rum and diet) and to git my food ready in a hurry. I slammed down my first drink, a Dirty Lou tradition, then ordered up a few more.

There were no other patrons in the bar, just myself, so tugging on my sack was really not a big problem. After about 6 rum and cokes, my food was up.

I pounded down my last drink, collected my grub and headed outside to smoke a heater.

This is where legends are made... in under a minute.

As I crashed through the doors to the outside world, I heard a young lassie (lets call her Bobby) throwing an enormous fit on her phone. As i turned toward her to see what all the comotion was about, she whipped her phone agians the wall, hollering "I hate my boyfriend".

Opportunity Knocks

At that very moment, i screamed back towards her "I hate your boyfriend too"

Without hesistation, Bobby grabbed me by the arm and said, "if i suck your dick, can you tell my boyfriend i did it?"

no less than 45 seconds later, i'm sitting on the whores tailgate (Ford F-350 with those steel balls hanging from the hitch) in the parking lot across the street, pants at my ankles, while she's vigorously pumping away on my cock, like an oil derrik anxiously awaiting a gusher.

After I unloaded my man-sauce in her mouth, I laid back on the tailgate and gazed at the clouds, lying to determine if one of them looked more like
Homer Simpson or Wilfred Brimley.
I decided it looked more like Wilfred Brimley.

I have no idea if she swallowed, as I neither broke her
arm nor did she said how tasty my Man-naise is. I didnt
care anyway, i was preoccupied with what appeared to be a
gleeful Wilfred Brimley riding a JetSki. God, I love my
weed guy.

While she was no "perfect 10", I'd say she's a solid 8.5, she
did suck a mean dick and boy did she have one hell of a grip!

Her poor son of a bitch boyfriend has no idea how much of a dick hungry slut she is. Poor sucker. He could use some counseling... my counseling!

The lesson here, kiddies, is to always be a prick. You just may end up getting your knob slobbed by a hottie like Bobby (pictured above). Nice guys have to pay for blow jobs.
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Oh, and the fish and chips were great too!
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Dirty Lou's ass

Hide The Sausage

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"People can be induced to swallow anything, provide it is sufficiently seasoned with praise"
- Moliere

Hot Fish vs. Ugly Freak

Dearst Dirty,

Look man, there are these two college girls. One is a fuck-of-a-lot hotter than the other. I think I've got a shot with the hot one. But the ugly one, who's not that ugly... a 6, I can bang fer sure... low hanging fruit. And it might be real good, she could be a real fuggin freak.

. VS.

But if I do bang her it's almost sure to fuck it up with the hot one... she's no slut and not down with fucking all her friends kinda shit...I dunno what to do man. WWDLD??

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Dirty Lou said...

Dear Playerb, aaah!

One of mans great dilemmas... The hot chick, or the easy chick. There have been volumes written on this very topic, and those volumes are all wrong!

lets state the facts first: Super Hot chicks are rarely awesome in bed. That is, of course, unless their daddy was never around, they are strippers (refer to reason 1) or they were molested as children (refer to reason 2).

In that case, they can be retarded crazy in the sack. But generally speaking, those of the super hot category dont feel the need to show their value in bed, as they are coveted by many. They have no need to learn how to keep a guy happy, since they've got their pick of retards waiting in line.

Nonetheless, you definantly want to show a nice piece of ass off to your buddies, and fuck her face as often as possible. Mid level girls, like your #6 (she's really a 4 right?), have a lot more to prove. To make up for a lack of "looks", these girls are usually far more willing to please YOU in bed... to keep YOU happy... to keep YOU around. This includes everything from anal to our beloved Cleveland Steemer.

Studies have shown (my own studies) that mid level bitches are far easier to lay the pipe on than a republican at an Antifa rally.

Now, to your dilemma.Start fucking the #6 chick. and give her ZERO respect. continue to fuck her for about 3 weeks (when YOU feel like it, never go when she calls and never call her unless its to fuck). Be a complete asshole, its absolutely necessary for what i'm about to say. A couple weeks of this disrespect will allow you to overtly flirt with other chicks. While she'll get mad at you, you'll still fuck her just fine... because she needs you (unlike the super hot chick).

Once you bring her to the point of hating you, while still fucking you, you can move on to your super hot chick and work on her. The #6 will be happy at this point to just have a taste of you.

Let her know its casual and you're also into other women (on another note: doing this will give you the chance to invite another slug into the sack with the both of you).

Make your move on the super hot girl.,, and be obvious. Women hate pussies.

You'll have both the super hot "dead fish" to show off to your buddies, and fuck in the face and you'll have the crazy blumpkin loving ugly chick for wild sex.

Love,
Dirty Lou

Mr. Awesome -- A Personal Hero

p.s. My Super Dirty Stories From Disney are on the way!

Dirty Does Disney

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coming soon: a real life, very obscene adventure of Dirty Lou.

Dirty Lou went to Disney World last weekend... and boy does he have some hillariously dirty stories to share with his readers.

Lets just say he'd make pinocchio proud!

Sneak Preview: lesbians, crabs, drunken excursions, smuggling booze into The Magic Kingdom and a cry for help... All in the next post from Dirty Lou

Best,

Dirty's Handyman

Hahahah! LOL! Touche'! I have to give credit where credit is due and you reamed me a new one! (No pun inteneded) I should have known better to take on a mouth like yours! I am no verbal competition and accept defeat!

But your response was hot, so when and where and you going to teach me a thing or two? Me and my sistas can't wait to see what we can really do with your 'action figure' and cd collection..... The human body is an amazingly adaptable vessel, is it not?

Or again, are you full of shit? Put up or shut up Dirty!

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My dearest Anonymous,

sounds like you're falling in love with me. Don't worry, its not unusual for a slave to fall for her capturer. It's called the Stockholm Syndrome... look that shit up.

While I have yet to physically make you my love slave, I have completely overtaken you with my super-sexy language and red hot pictures of myself with various prostitutes and low-lifes.

The physical domination will occur this Friday night at The Blue Anchor (from 6-9 pm)

There, I'll take you into my arms, gently caress your face and slowly insert my car keys into your ass while I remove any cash and breath-mints from your purse.

Can't wait to see you. Bring ya sistas. I need a harem of whores to drop my sexiness on.

Love your master,

Dirty Lou

What is Love?

What is love?

What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness?
Is it not the sweetest flower?
Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds?
Does not the wind love the dirt?
Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to?

Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself.

Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy.

Whip out everything you got...
and do it in the butt.

A Note From Daddy Dix -- Just Another Manic Sunday

I think that if you have a hairy chest, you should be allowed to purchase wine on Sundays.

Well, even if you don't have a hairy chest, I think you should still be allowed to buy wine on Sundays.

Forget what I said about the hairy chest. You can't enjoy your glass of wine if you're thinking about hairy chests.

--Daddy Dix

A Changed Man

Perhaps I haven't spent enough quality time with the people that I love... perhaps I haven't spent enough time worrying about others. Perhaps I've been too damn selfish.

Today, my dearest of readers, I've been humbled. I know now, that I have to change my ways.

God himself has shown me the path to redemption. His light has shined down on me in all its glory... and saved me. Perhaps he will give me the gift to show others what he has shown to me.

Dirty Lou may be no more. No, I take that back... Dirty Lou IS no more. I appologize, dear readers. I sincerely appologize.

I can't carry on any longer being the dirty, sexy, hot and luscious mother fucker that I am when there's such suffering in the world.

I was sent a picture today from a concerned reader, and it really opened my eyes.

I now realise that we, as Americans, and myself as a bigtime influential blogger, have a responsibility to take care of those who are less fortunate. I see, now, that there are children, innocent kids, that do not have what we've been given...

Style baby, style!

I mean, look at these guys. Although they obviously spend at least an hour a day at the gym on the eliptical (Probably on the 12 setting), and they probably eat sushi like every morning for breakfast, (can anyone say "wheatgrass"?), they can't properly spike a simple mohawk. Try some hair gel assholes. You look like idiots..

They may be glamorous, and their physuique may damn near perfect, but they have no sense of style. Sure they're tan and ripped, but please... get some fucking hair gel and fix those mohawks proper like.

Mr. Perfect, you may have it all, cars, money, girls, a tight bod, but if you're gonna hit the clubs, at least put some Paul Mitchell up in your curleys. Have you looked in the mirror?

Why spend all that time in the gym, all that time with your personal trainer and your nutritionist, if you're not going to look as good as you feel?

You've obviously worked very hard to get that perfect body, now please, for the love of god, get some fucking style.

Now you see, dearest of readers, that there is real suffering going on in this world. Its me. I'm suffering looking at these perfect specimens of health and vigor ruin their entire look with some sloppy grooming.

So, its our job, as Americans and influential bloggers, to FedEx these guys (overnight, of course) some of that new Alberto V-O5 super hold gel, or at least a can of Aquanet so we can finally put an end to this misery.

Then, dearest freinds, I can return to being your master and teacher of all things sex, dirt and offense.

Thank God for showing me the light.

Love always,

Dirty Lou

Time To Take Out My Little Soldier

Dirty Lou,

Me and all my sistas love for our fellas to come in the back door, so to speak! A true playa would know this.

So 'Dirty' I am afraid I have to ask what your credentials are relating to women.

--Anonymous

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Dear anonymous,

Let me fill that loud pie hole of yours with some genuine, grade A premium, beef... with a side of horseradish sauce. You're dumb.

Of course most whores love it in the ass. I've stuck everything from jellybeans to old nintendo cartriges up the rear ends of numerous anonymous whores i've met on the city bus alone.

I once put nearly my entire CD collection (cases included) up the rectum of a little lady I met at a PTA meeting.

So if its credentials you want, i'll be happy to show you a thing or 2.
I have my old GI Joe collection that hasn't gone spelunking in nearly 10 years... I've been saving them for a special moment just like this (My COBRA figures are used often).

Once you've got Sgt. Slaughter, Snake Eyes and Ace ascending your colon, you'll be calling me Daddy.

If you need more "proof" of my sexual prowess, I can show you my University of Phoenix online diploma in office management, while i skull fuck you and your "sistas" senseless.

I look forward to hearing you scream "Go Joe!"

best wishes,

Dirty Lou

Help Dirty Lou, I Need An "Exit" Strategy

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Please help me Dirty,

I’ve been dating this girl for two months and the sex is good. However to date I’ve only been able to sample two of her holes. I’m eager to get it in her pooper. Please help.

– Pepe

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Dear Pepe,

Unfortunately, your girlfriend just doesn’t know how good fucking her in the ass will make YOU feel. ...And it’s all about you.

Let her know, that if you need to, you can just get a prostitute for $150 so you can fuck her in the ass.

Be sure to tell her you're not even thinking of wearing a rubber since you can’t get a hooker pregnant by checking her oil.

At this point, she'll be so scared to lose you that she'll definitely let you poke her donut hole... because she loves you, and she needs you in her life.

If you need, I'd be glad to hook you up with somebody who does care about how YOU feel. Her name is Steve (pictured above) and she charges $150.

For that price, you can pretty much do anything you want to her. For some reason though, she won't do straight sex, the only available holes are her face and ass. She says she doesnt like the way her "vagina" looks. But regardless, she's smoking hot!

Whoever said money can't buy love is a complete idiot.

With Love and Honor,

Dirty Lou

Get Dirty On The Ave...

This Friday February 29th, Dirty Lou will be making a special guest appearance at the Blue Anchor Bar and Grill from 6-9 o’clock in beautiful slut infested Delray Beach Florida.

Come early and bring your girlfriend, wife or mother for a drinking experience of a lifetime. Be sure to swallow... we all know what happens if you don't.

There will be food, drinks and entertainment (as long as you’re buying) and plenty of games to entertain the kids while Dirty Lou plays hide the love stick with mommy.

This once in a lifetime drinking extravaganza has been sponsored by the makers of Cock Soup – I know it’s salty just shut up and swallow!

Special notice: The First 25 people to attend "Get Dirty On The Ave..." will get the opportunity to buy Dirty Lou his fill of rum and diet coke (yes, he will stick his pinky out while drinking), and will each receive a free, no obligation, insult from Dirty Lou himself.

See you there, Bitches

Dirty Lou in Action

Girls do shots... A Sexy Mother Fucker Like
Myself does 7 so-co and lime shots in a row.

Now Go Fuck Yourself!

Concerned Reader

Dear Dirty Lou,

Who knew they sold that (cock soup) the grocery store! I’ve got to admit that ever since I switched teams, I can’t help but miss the taste of cock just a little bit. I’ll have to check it out since my girlfriend would kill me if I ever indulged and I’d hate to lose that sweet ass of hers.

It probably won’t taste as good as the real thing but it will have to suffice! Unless of course you can lend some advice on how to convince her that a FMF ménage à trios is really an art form (she does love her art) and not an adulterous act!

-- Dolphin Safe
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Dearest Dolphin,

If you want some cock, just get some. If your immature girlfriend cant handle it, try fucking 2
guys at once. If she loves you (and remember kiddies, its all about YOU), she'll join in. I'll be available for personal sessions with the 2 of you if necessary.

I can introduce her to my orchestral rhythm stick under the guise of "relationship therapy" We'll call it Three'soms 101, with Professor Dirty.

I'll be announcing an appearance in South Florida sometime tomorrow. I'll be insulting women and calling pussy ass guys out on Friday night...

place: to be announced tomorrow.

If you're in the area, I can hand you my syllabus and we can begin course work immediately.

In the mean time, strap one on and make your little fuzzy poodle girlfriend call YOU Dirty Lou. As far as art goes, i'll be happy to paint a map of Hawaii on both your faces while you call me daddy.

Hugs and Kisses,

Dirty Lou

Fuck Campbells...

Fuck Campbells. Who needs another can of tomato soup when you can get your fill of COCK SOUP!

Bitches need to be eating more cock. Apparently women in this country are suffering from a cock difficiency. The lack of cock is dropping the average life expectancy of our nations most cherished citizens, young impressionable women.

Now, for the good of America, i'm offering you pretty ladies out there a good shot of vitamin Lou. Sure, you can eat a pouch of ordinary cock soup once a week, but you're not getting the full nutritional value of MY own brand of succulent, high fiber, vitamin B12 enriched rooster meat. Now available in South Florida.

What Would Dirty Lou Do?

In this post we'll be discussing personal situations we've been in, and what I would do in that situation. For example: If you're selling your house and moving into an apartment the next morning, you'd clean the place up nice, make sure the refrigerator and over are clean and perhaps leave a "good luck" note to the new buyer. But... What Would Dirty Lou Do?

Well, i'd get completely shitfaced, pull out my favorite Louisville Slugger and go to town on the walls, ceilings and appliances. Fuck the new occupants... fuck 'em.

Now, please feel free to ask me about any situations that demand you make a decision about yourself and others, and i'll tell you what I'd do. Its called WWDLD. This, dear friends, is my advice column.

Dear Dirty

Dear Dirty Lou,

I'm writing to tell you about a sexual fantasy that I have... It's kind of weird man... And it freaks my girlfriend out. She won't help me realize it and that really sucks. Can you help me persuade her to indulge me?

Here's what it is... I'm double-penetrating her with an old asian dude with a long grey fu-manchu mustache. Me and him both orgasm at the same time and give a hi-five.

Maybe I've watched too many kung-fu movies or something... But, that's it. What do you think? How can I get her to get down with the dojo master dirty three-way?

Signed

Karate Kid

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Dear Kid,

That's fucked up man... Not the DP, or the old Chinese dude... But a fucking hi-five?! Are you kidding me!? What are we in 19-fucking-89? No one with any sense of style does that shit anymore.

When you grow some balls and drag that bitch into the bedroom with you and Mr. Miagi. After you cover her in man-mayo, you guys need to pound fists with some snaps or sum shit West Pompano style... you nasty fuckin freak!!

Love,

Dirty Lou

Viva Dirty Lou!!!