Listen up pussies, here's some pure, unadultereated proof that being a prick, even a mild asshole, can directly lead to you getting your cock slobbered on by some unsuspecting whore at a Brittish pub...
It wasn't an atypical Saturday morning. I woke up early as usual, 11:30, to begin my Saturday morning rituals. After waking, i usually rub one out to a sexy pic I have of my neighbor dressed up as Bilbo Baggins, then take a shit, brush my teeth and go back to the toilet to wipe my ass clean. I Shower, abuse my cock again, then prepare for the long day ahead by fixing a tasty little concoction I call Saturday morning breakfast... a stiff rum and coke with a boatload of bonghits... pinkies out, bitches!
Once my eyes were capable of sustaining more than 20 seconds of sunlight, it was time to venture out of the famed "Dirty Lout Den of Smut and Body Fluids" in search of some poon. By poon, i mean pussy. By pussy, I mean vagina... and by vagina I mean the Fish and Chips from the Blue Anchor. It's just so tasty! But I digress.
For those of you who are "shy" around women (closet homosexuals), please take note of the following.
There's no time like anytime to get your cock sucked by a stranger.
Putting on my best Clint Eastwood impression, I burst through the doors of the Wanker around high noon... 5 o'clock shadow on my face, nasty snarl in my lip and hands in my pockets as if i were carrying a pair six shooters... six shooters that juggle my balls.
I slowly mosied on up to the bar, turning my head from left to right in an almost "slow motion" manner, scanning the room for any signs of trouble. Unfortunately, there are no mirrors in the Wanker outside of the shittin room, so I found no trouble.
I told the barkeep to line me up with some Boilermakers (actually, rum and diet) and to git my food ready in a hurry. I slammed down my first drink, a Dirty Lou tradition, then ordered up a few more.
There were no other patrons in the bar, just myself, so tugging on my sack was really not a big problem. After about 6 rum and cokes, my food was up.
I pounded down my last drink, collected my grub and headed outside to smoke a heater.
This is where legends are made... in under a minute.
As I crashed through the doors to the outside world, I heard a young lassie (lets call her Bobby) throwing an enormous fit on her phone. As i turned toward her to see what all the comotion was about, she whipped her phone agians the wall, hollering "I hate my boyfriend".
Opportunity Knocks
At that very moment, i screamed back towards her "I hate your boyfriend too"
Without hesistation, Bobby grabbed me by the arm and said, "if i suck your dick, can you tell my boyfriend i did it?"
no less than 45 seconds later, i'm sitting on the whores tailgate (Ford F-350 with those steel balls hanging from the hitch) in the parking lot across the street, pants at my ankles, while she's vigorously pumping away on my cock, like an oil derrik anxiously awaiting a gusher.
After I unloaded my man-sauce in her mouth, I laid back on the tailgate and gazed at the clouds, lying to determine if one of them looked more like
Homer Simpson or Wilfred Brimley.
I decided it looked more like Wilfred Brimley.
I have no idea if she swallowed, as I neither broke her
arm nor did she said how tasty my Man-naise is. I didnt
care anyway, i was preoccupied with what appeared to be a
gleeful Wilfred Brimley riding a JetSki. God, I love my
weed guy.
While she was no "perfect 10", I'd say she's a solid 8.5, she
did suck a mean dick and boy did she have one hell of a grip!
Her poor son of a bitch boyfriend has no idea how much of a dick hungry slut she is. Poor sucker. He could use some counseling... my counseling!
The lesson here, kiddies, is to always be a prick. You just may end up getting your knob slobbed by a hottie like Bobby (pictured above). Nice guys have to pay for blow jobs.
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Oh, and the fish and chips were great too!
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